Saturday, around 9 pm:
A dancer that I know is in a coma. He went in for jaw surgery and the nurse gave him an antibiotic that he was allergic to.

Edit at 10:16 pm:
He's being taken off life-support on Monday

Edit at 10:46 pm:
I'm going to see him tomorrow with a bunch of swing kids.

----

Edit at 2:19 pm next day (Sunday):
I went to the hospital. The charge nurse told me he had died at ~1145 last night.
I've cried more today than I have in the past year put together.
I returned home, and my dad immediately demanded me to come upstairs and tell him everything that happened. When I told him that I need to go downstairs and eat, he started yelling at me, talking about respect and how I should care more about my family than my "friend of 3 months". 3 months? Try six. Anyway, I fucking hate him, and at that moment, I wanted to kill him. I imagined all the ways that I would do it-- pulling a thick book from the bookshelf and hitting him fiercely on his head, wrapping my hands around his neck...

I opened myself up yesterday in front of him. I cried when I told him about my friend being in a coma--asked him if I could spend the night at a friend's house because visiting hours were after 6 (I found out the next day it's between 7 am and 9 pm?)... he said we'd talk the next morning. I got on the bus before he work, and today, he called me in the morning saying how I had to be home (not even a friend dying would shake his opinion on where I sleep at night, apparently.) and that I have to stick to the routine in the midst of all of this (gist of it). Ha--as if I could ever 'keep my routine', with this kind of shock.

I've thought about it more now...and I realize that he doesn't understand why I feel sad because I don't think he has any real friendships--and he doesn't understand why I could be so impacted after knowing someone for less than a year. I would rather be able to connect with people and feel this pain than not have any of these connections--so...I feel sorry for him.

RIP, Mikhail.
----

Edit at 3:22 pm, Sunday:

It feels like I shouldn't end this entry like this.

Things I love about Mikhail:
- his smile
- how he complimented me on my turns, and made me feel good about my dancing.
- how I was one of his 'guinea pigs' that he'd try random moves on
- his grace and fluidity of motion
- his way of living life fully--he wore a gigantic sumo wrestling suit to the halloween party, and he went all out at the masquerade ball, wearing a mask and white gloves and looking so... hep. =)
- how he'd tease me every time I 'tackled' him when asking him to dance, being all 'ahh, she got meeee".
- his teaching--being willing to do a move over again, telling me what I needed to do differently.
- he always, always, respected me in a dance. never looked bored (even if he may have been, since I'm not as good of a dancer by any means), always smiling... enjoying himself.
- his passion for salsa-dancing. he was at halo almost every friday night, i'm sure. The two nights that I ended up going that year, he would always brighten when seeing me--so happy to see another swing kid give salsa a try (salsa was def. his favorite over the two)
- my favorite salsa dancer, hands down.

I've been fluctuating through various waves of emotion-- anger, that he died so young... he was 20. Anger, that an allergic reaction to either the pain killers he was given or the antibiotic that he was given led to his death (an autopsy will confirm which...or what else led to his death). Laughter, hearing my friend Laura talk about the sumo suit (I didn't get to dance with him while he was wearing it--they ended up doing a lot of solo charleston during the dance, haha). Lots of sadness. I cried after my conversation with the charge nurse at the ICU, went to the chapel where I found various prayers in their binder--one of them, that I love. They didn't have the sanskrit, but they had the english translation in there--but I knew the sanskrit by heart (it's one of my favorite mantras), so I said it there, in the chapel. And I also found the gayatri mantra in there, and I said that too.

The first:

Asato Ma Sat Gamaya
Tamaso Ma Jyotir Gamaya
Mrityor Maamritam Gamaya

Let us be led from the unreal to the Real
From darkness to the Light
From mortality to Eternity


Gayatri mantra:

oṃ bhūr bhuvaḥ svaḥ
tat savitur vareṇyaṃ
bhargo devasya dhīmahi
(dhiyo yo naḥ prachodayāt

Oh God! Thou art the Giver of Life,
Remover of pain and sorrow,
The Bestower of happiness,
Oh! Creator of the Universe,
May we receive thy supreme sin-destroying light,
May Thou guide our intellect in the right direction.



I'm at peace with this, for now. Just for now.

A dancer that I know is in a coma. He went in for jaw surgery and the nurse gave him an antibiotic that he was allergic to.

This summer, I've been reading a lot... guess I've been catching up from reading very little at UW this first year.

Books I've read so far in these two weeks:
-Bridget Jones Diary
-Girl with a Pearl Earring
-The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time
-A Simple Plan

Any suggestions?


Other random things:
-I've discovered that I really like the texture of silken tofu in desserts
-I've been sticking to working-out every morning. I talked to one of my cousins last night-- he broke his shoulder in a bike accident... and he was sad that he wouldn't be able to start his workout plan just yet. I thought he was only doing it for his girlfriend, but he told me just after that he wanted me to see him at his best when he comes the US. =) That made me really happy--I want him to be pleasantly surprised when he sees me, too. I miss the guy. And I think it's hilarious that he keeps pressuring me to skip bases as quickly as possible--it's ridiculous haha.
-I have lots of mini-projects. Getting the unleashed a cappella group to be an official UW group so that we can get funding... arranging a song for them... figuring out a blues group dance for swing kids with rae...figuring out event stuff with her... hmm hmm. Updating my music. Organizing it. Practicing dancing with various leads this summer so I don't lose whatever dancing abilities I have worked for so far.

Fooood time.

OEUIAGHEOIGAHEWOIGEDSGKlweaogijawogis I should have just sung w/o the background music. WHY do I keep doing this? Stupid, stupid stupid.

Though, all is not lost because I recieved a compliment from Brian that pretty much made my life--I just love that guy. Luvvvv him. <3

And Mr. Bach liked it--so that's good.

Lesson of the night: NO MATTER WHAT--I WILL HAVE NO BACKGROUND MUSIC FOR GRADUATION.

Memoirs of the Last Play Acted in by Myself at ICS:

Things added by Boris Kolenkhov each night:

Wednesday-
*drunk in last scene

Thursday-
*chair in the ballet scene

Friday-
*running at lauren and her putting a hand out and making me look like an idiot

Saturday-
*the S-I-N-G (from Miss Congeniality) move on kevin saxby (YES!)
*the HOT (definite double-meaning there) tights

Interesting things that happened:
Wednesday--dumping water on myself and on kevin saxby during the 'water glass trick'
Friday--having a near wardrobe disaster w/ my pants nearly falling down hahaha
Saturday--falling on my ass after leocie and I "bumped stomachs" during curtain call. and also, the little kids that laughed really loud and made funny comments sometimes--for example, "sex--male" little kid: *big pause* OH I GET IT. hahahahha :D


---

Cast party Dance-off!

Things I do not want to remember but will be burned into my memory:
--brent putting his hand in his pants, and pulling out his boxers. WTF.
--brent and some other guy dirty dancing

Awesome stuff:
--the seniors getting hats and tiaras <333 (sniffle)
--lauren's sassy attitude while dancing
--me running my hands down the shirts of two cute twin boys on either side of me
--tina sexily crawling along the floor and making cat noises hahahahha
--ariel salsa dancing w/ bon-bon, then 'dirty dancing' hahaha with me and chelz
--bon-bon pinning Grandpa (leocie) to the wall and doing the same move she did to Tony (Brent) in the play
--the cute twins dancing with each other
--poor erin being uncomfortable w/ dancing and us making her do it anyway
--catching the hat and putting it on right on beat w/ the music. HA! Loved it.
--me happening to wear a black tanktop and doing the second dance off (against bonnie) for the song 'la camisa negra'--perfect!
--to be continued...

Hey everyone-

I realized today after talking to Don after Stat and thinking a little bit that I sorta overreacted yesterday... and it didn't help looking at my Physics final after that rehearsal, either. Things just started to add up.... and yeah, that's all. lol

I never thought I'd start hating my senior project.

Working with little kids is great when it comes to music--even though they might not practice as much, they're always with you, they'll watch you, they'll laugh if you're funny, they'll like you in the end, and you'll feel good coming out of a rehearsal. I conducted the KJH choir--thoroughly enjoyable.

Not the case with ICS, unfortunately.

It's only been the second rehearsal--alright, I agree that things could change once they get used to me, but it is so FUCKING FRUSTRATING conducting your peers. After today's rehearsal, which was also overseen by my conducting mentor, I felt like crying when I came home.

I can understand that it is weird having someone up there right after they happened to be playing with you in the group. But that does not give you the right to go around ridiculing that person while they're trying to get work done. And let me tell you, I still managed to get a hell of a lot done, even with all of that shit going around. But it felt like walking through quicksand, and it hurt because there's nothing more I'd like to do than just have these ppl like me and being ok w/ them. I have friends in the ensemble, and I've been a part of it since 7th grade. Believe me, I don't want to act like a bitch trying to get through stuff. So I feel like crap coming out of rehearsal, thinking that everyone hates me. There's no feeling worse than that, as lame as it sounds.

I wish people would cut me some slack, show me some respect. Mr Chapin could tell I was getting irritated with people--it was more than that; it was also anxiety. Tuesdays have become my 'ughhhhgodIwanttodaytobewednesday' days, and I can feel the anxiety settling in from the moment I wake up.

What the hell was I thinking, thinking that people would actually give me a chance?

But I have to stay optimistic--my mentor let me know today (god bless her heart, she's the one bright spark in that whole blasted rehearsal) that no one can see me in the back--they can barely see the top of my head. Once I get a podium or I bring a stool or something I definitely think things will get better. I don't know if the attitude will, though.

Well, whatever. I dug this grave and I'll lay in it, if I have to. I can't just go after two rehearsals (like I really really desperatedly wanted to) "guys, I hate working with you. you make me feel like shit. and you make fun of me, and I have the ears of a singer and I can hear every snide comment. I like people who want to create music, not just fuck around with me while I'm trying to refine the music and make it even better. I'm sick of you, I'm sick of being anxious and angry and tired each tuesday I do this with you, and, as much as I hate to admit it, I give up. Happy? I'll go to another place where I won't know the musicians, where the musicians will actually give a damn about what I say, and when I'm finished with them, their Hungarian dance will sound a million times better than yours will ever be with that attitude. I have lots of ideas on how to make this song dynamite, if you listen. But so far, I'm talking to a concrete wall. Have a nice life. Oh and I don't want to have to face this group again after I say this anyway, so I'm gonna quit band, too. Didn't really want to end this on a bitter note--hope you won't boo as I get my diploma--Sayonara."

Umm... yeah, not gonna happen. Mainly because I said I'd do this to graduate, I'm not gonna just give up after the 2nd rehearsal (I will watch and hope that things get better), or, worst comes to worst, I'll grit my teeth and bear it.

Some ppl reading this lj are either in band right now or used to be in the ICS band--suggestions?

I felt pretty good this past wednesday, even though I would later study my butt off for the physics and IS final I would have the next day.

I was going to stay after school, work on some problems with my teacher. Ironically, I was planning on working on a problem that would later show up on the very final. I pretty much got screwed over on that question, but what the hell.

I came home early because my brother was locked out of the house. I checked the mail, and there was a letter from Case. I knew I had been accepted, and on the envelope, it said 'you got in!'. I don't know about other ppl, but I don't like it when ppl put your decision on the outside of the envelope. Seems kinda anti-climatic after you open it, if you ask me. Well--I already knew about my decision from Case, but still...

Anyway, I opened the letter and stuff and I discovered that I had gotten a merit scholarship of a good size--enough to make my dad consider sending me there. I've read stuff about ppl crying when they get accepted to a college, but for me... being accepted didn't change a thing about the possibility of me going there. The money does... so I did cry. And then, about an hour later my mom came home from work, and I showed her the letter and we called dad (at her orders. I would have been happy to wait till he came home to show him. lol)

It's so awesome that I had come home right after school to find that letter. If I hadn't, my dad would have called my mom to check the mail like he does every day. In fact, he takes a certain pride in finding stuff before me--yesterday, he checked the mail and I was standing next to him as he opened stuff intended for me (luckily, I knew none of them would be very important because it wasn't around the time that the colleges said they'd be mailing decisions). While he was looking at letters at the top of the pile, I made a move to take letters at the bottom. He put his arm down on the pile of envelopes to prevent me and said "no, I have to look at all of your letters first". Meanwhile, I thought "fuck you", which I've been thinking a lot more lately, and I was oh so tempted just to flick him off and go upstairs and tell him that I didn't give a fuck about reading the letters anymore. I thought about burning the paper on the gas stove after he handed it to me, without a single glance at its contents. But I knew that's the exact kind of behavior that I had learnt from watching him react to bad situations. Stuff I had learnt in psychology. Observational learning and shit. God, I hate that stuff. Makes me feel disgusted, that there are things (other than genetics) that my dad has transferred to me that I can't eradicate from my personality, because they've affected me on a subconscious level.

At the same time, I can't call all things that I've gotten from my dad as, for lack of a better word, evil. I hate to use that word since it's always associated with demons or the devil, and it's used to dehumanize people. Even though I really, really dislike my dad--I still understand that he is a human being, and that this conflict we have is based on our different sets of morals...and his overinflated ego.

Uhhh this entry is going on a tangent that I didn't want to go on. Anyhow, that day was cool...getting the merit scholarship and finding out about it before my dad did. He seems even more obsessed with getting information before I do now, though. He's been coming home at around 1 pm just for half an hour to check the mail before going right back to work. I discovered this when I came home right after school ended that friday and managed to check the mail before him again. He keeps saying his coming home to check the mail is a reflection of his investment in my education and future and what-not. What bullshit.

I don't want to end this on that note. Good news: got into Case, got a merit scholarship. I also spent that friday finishing an AWESOME neurosurgery book (thank you Shirley!! I'll return it to ya soon) and talking to this tech guy who was working on this surgical microscope in the hallway before the recovery room of the hospital. He was fixing some circuit problems in this HUMONGOUS microscope, and when he was getting close to being done, he let me look in the microscope. He had pointed it towards a screw in its base, and... wow wow wow wow. The thing was so freakin' huge. He says it was... 400x magnification? I felt like a little tiny bug or thumbelina inside this enormous... cavern. :D it was amamamaaazin'.

Date:	2007-01-11 14:03
Subject:	Dear readers...
Security:	Public
Mood:	calm

I have been accepted to the University of Washington, and right now there's only the stale taste of bitterness left in my mouth. For the first time in maybe two weeks, my father checked the mail before I did, and it happened to be the same day that my UW acceptance letter came in. I glanced over the letter nonchalantly; I'd never show a sign of emotion to him. To him, I'm always as cold as ice.

I shouldn't feel so pissed off about this; I knew that this would come. Murphy's law would inevitably banish my silly dream of being the first to open the envelope, the first to see the tangible results of my years of work at ICS. I knew this would happen-- I even told my mother about it, how I hated the idea of him snooping into my mail. I think that if she had checked the mail, she would have respected my wishes.

I know what this tide of feelings welling inside me predicts--my body wants release, it wants to cry, it hates the feeling of its dreams, albeit naive and idealized, being crushed. But I refuse to give in.
It's a safety school. I knew I would get in. Let me reserve my tears for a reach school-- for a program which guarantees acceptance to medical school. A difficult program that my heart desires most...

Good. The ache has passed.

Thank god for email and the internet. I will know of my other acceptances (or rejections) online long before he does. I will harbor the secret till he recieves the news in the mail. I will not give him the satisfaction of recieving good (or bad) news first, and I will not feign surprise at the news when he tells me about it. I'll be satisfied that I knew before him, that my friends knew before him, that everyone else in the goddamn universe would know before him. Except my mom, because she's not good at keeping secrets. Oh well. One casualty.

Ha, and he asked me if I wanted to call my friends. No way in hell. This is a hollow victory.

-----

The first thing that popped into my mind after he left me in peace was that I wanted to eat something horribly bad for me. I've had this stupid system in my head my entire life--the whole hurting yourself to retaliate against others. But I've never cut myself, or anything like that. It's always been about eating eating eating eating eating. Especially things with cheese--he's always attacked cheese. And I love cheese. But do I love it because he hates it? I don't think so.

He wants me to lose weight? Learn Tamil? Get Braces? No. I will not even try to become your fucking perfect-Indian-girl supermodel daughter. I sing, and I'm smart. That's good enough for me. And I will never lose weight, especially in your presence. I'll work at it in college, but not now. And if that means that I have to face my relative's stupid incessant teasing every summer about my weight, so be it. I have friends, and they're all I need. Dammit- now that feeling is coming back. Changing topic...

I finished the book Complications by Atul Gawande this morning. I enjoyed the entire book; he has a wonderful writing style. I also need to finish Heart of Darkness by tonight for school. As well as my IS notes. Each morning, a new to-do note. I'm sick of the monotony... as well as my never-improving Physics grade. haha.

no, I'm not sick of life right now. I'm just wallowing.

Oh yeah. I just remembered something. I was going to drop Drama to work on my Physics grade. After a certain someone's three hour lecture when he saw my grade in the mail.

You know what?
Screw that. I'm auditioning.

Life suddenly looks a hell of a lot better.

( rest of my vacation- some bullet-pointed, some detailed )

believe me, I'd say a lot more about Yale because I totally fell in love with it. I was just dead tired that night and didn't elaborate on stuff.

( New York City and NYU and Columbia )

( Baltimore and Johns Hopkins )

( Princeton )

( Northwestern )

( U Chicago )

one final down, one more to go! aheeeeeeee XD

psssst sawah, did you finish your final yet?!

watching the ending of the world cup at Crossroads was hella awesome :D

I watched the fireworks show on Lake Union on tv... I loved the firework hearts and cubes and stuff :)

But the best part was going outside into the street where my neighbors had had a fire going and fireworks ranging from the fountains to the grand finale.

There's nothing quite like seeing fireworks outside. Seeing it on a television can never compare.

It's not just the pretty light-show that accompanies the fireworks.

It's the smells, the slight pause when the wick has been burnt down just before the great burst of noise, the hypersensitivity that makes you jump almost every single time the fireworks go off, the butterflies in your stomach wondering whether the next fireworks will go haywire and fly into your direction, hit another car, or another kid in the arm. (the kid's fine- no burn or anything.)

It's the little boy down the block whom you know just by aquaintance giving you an unopened box of pop-its.

I have them sitting next to me. I'm going to save them for later. :)

A few years back, I remember seeing the big fireworks show down in Seattle with my dad. We had parked a while away from the fireworks but they were still so loud and powerful that I could feel them inside of me. The finale sounded like machine gun fire, and I could feel the drum roll inside of me. And I wondered, after watching the display and struck with awe, how something so potentially destructive like gunpowder could be so goddamn beautiful. That year I went home and wrote my entry... or maybe I wrote my entry the next day- but anyway, I remember thinking that fireworks were the perfect of example of how nothing is inherently evil.

Happy birthday, America.

Today was pretty cool. I finished my CSE (computer science) homework in the morning, and so I decided I might as well go out and get some shopping done for a change. I went w/ dad and bro, and though I did get an earful about eating a whole burrito at Baja fresh instead of half of one and how I'm eating too much at UW (which isn't true... a lot of the money is just lil' things... which I'm not gonna buy anymore cuz they're way too expensive). But ANYWAY! I got some cool things: a new purse, which is PRETTY.

oh, and the way I got it was hella talented, if I may say so myself. Previously I had been looking at sunglasses because my brother wanted one and my dad asked me whether I had one and I said no (mine broke a long time ago.) so he said I should get one. So I was looking through it... and I have a sore spot for sparkly things (not COMPLETELY sparkly)... so I picked this sunglasses w/ sparkle on the sides. And then I went over to the clearance of purses (I didn't want a purse that wasn't really for my age group... which my dad would insist on trying to make me buy.) So I did this: I went up to the shiniest purse there. I knew would be the type my dad would absolutely detest and at the same time the kind of purse that he could see me buying (totally fit because I had just chosen a pair of sunglasses with some sparkle on em. So it wouldn't take a huge stretch of his imagination to see me buying a purse that's completely shiny.) So I go up to this purse that's covered in those shiny silver circle things... He got that shock+moreshock+nowayinhellwillmydaughtercarrythat look on his face and opened his mouth and then I moved that aside and took out the actual purse that I wanted with a few shiny things on it, but a lot more sedated. There was still a chance that he wouldn't let me buy that one either, but since it was sort of Indian-looking, he actually liked it. I don't think my fiasco was even necessary. Oh well. :) it was fun just to see the look on his face. Anyhow, I LOVE the purse! Only 6$!!!

and (sigh) I tried my best to get a wallet that wasn't made of leather, but I just couldn't win that argument with my dad. He was right though- in the store, the only wallets that weren't made out of leather were made out of this poor quality cloth that even I wouldn't buy. If only they had more options :( oh well. he's vegetarian just because that's how he's been brought up, and I'm vegetarian because I've *chosen* it and I completely believe that the lifestyle suits who I am. so he buys leather left and right and I just live with it.

I'm still waiting for the digital camera that I've been asking for for the past two years... maybe he'll finally buy it for me because I got good SAT II scores.

speaking of which, I need new shoes. my sandals are falling apart.

I pretty much only go on shopping sprees when I am in dire need of buying things. Other than that, I pretty much hold on to things until they're virtually un-usable.

except for jewelry. which I am always willing to buy more.

hehe.

---

so I come home... and then I get a call from CHELZ! to go KAYAKING at her grandma's!! She had invited me before but I couldn't go because I had guests, and since she's actually persistant (I love that. lets me know that she really wants *me* to go kayaking with her, not just any friend. but anyway...) so I asked my dad, and since he had already heard me say no to her once before and I knew I had done all of my homework and stuff he said ok after much interrogation about what's the phone numebr and address of the grandma's house, will there be lifejackets, etc.

So Chelz comes, and I'm trying to shave my legs desperately upstairs. I can hear Chelz talking about how she wants to go to Caltech and how she loves physics to my dad, and I smile inwardly. I knew that he'd like her.

So I come down and I go w/ her to her grandma's. Her cat and dog were there... I love her cat. I mean I L-O-V-E her cat. Sheba is an absolute QUEEN. She's got looonnng white fur, and beeeautiful green eyes... very very regal and imperial.

anyway, we went kayaking and it was very fun and we came back and jumped off the dock w/ our lifejackets on and swam around a tiny bit and came back to the car....

swimming was fun. though jet boats? Amazing things. Make you feel like you're invincible. I had that experience once at a Microsoft picnic... I sat on one of those things, rode around on the lake... lost track of time, and they had to send people out to find me. I used up half of the gas tank as well. But I was grinning when I got back and I just kept smiling on the inside as my dad scolded like hell saying they were gonna call the police and my mom threw daggers at me with her eyes.

I gotta get one of those things.

I'm trying to help spread the word...

Ryan Robertson has gone missing- it's only been a few days... but it couldn't hurt to spread the word anyway. If you see him, call the Robertsons immediately.



Please see this website if you've never met Ryan before:

http://www.myspace.com/RyanComeHome